OVER 24 years, Gawler South woman Amanda* lost her identity to a toxic relationship.
At the age of 17, she met a guy who said all the right things and fell into a long-term de facto union, before the man’s “narcissistic” behaviour began to rear its ugly head.
Amanda admitted that red flags were present early on in the relationship, however, said the verbal, psychological and financial abuse only really began after the birth of their daughter, Amy*.
“Just before I was 30, he finally agreed to have a child, after saying for years he wasn’t ready,” she said.
“He had a back issue and could have worked, but ended up getting a disability pension while I worked fulltime.
“After I had my daughter, that’s when his behaviour really began to change.
“In 2000, he took away my key card so I could no longer access our bank account.
“This was only the first step of him taking control of absolutely everything.”
Amanda said her and Amy were denied many basic human rights, including the choice of when to bathe.
“He would dictate when we could have a shower,” she said.
“We had solar panels on the home and solar hot water, which he would only turn on at his convenience.
“We were like cattle, going one-by-one in to have a shower. It didn’t matter if my daughter had played sport or if I had woken up with night sweats. He would tell us when we were allowed to bathe.
“I also wasn’t allowed to wear deodorant or perfume, go food shopping or do any washing or cooking.
“He said I would produce prison gruel.”
When it came to Amy, Amanda said her partner was only interested in putting his daughter down.
“His favourite line was ‘What’s wrong with you?’,” she said.
“All he was interested in was drinking and smoking. As my daughter got older, she started challenging him.
“If you can imagine 24/7 someone belittling you, asking “What is wrong with you?”
Saying “You’re an idiot”, “You’re stupid”, and “You’re going to amount to nothing” my daughter grew up having no respect for him and started lashing out.”
Wanting to change her situation, Amanda began studying a psychology degree.
“He had no self-esteem and is the most negative person you could imagine, so I wanted to see if I could help him,” she said.
“I also volunteered for Lifeline and for a university, just to try and make me feel better about myself when helping others.
“People seem to have this attitude of ‘How can an intelligent woman like yourself be in this situation?’.
‘Why didn’t you leave?’ But what people don’t understand is his Mum was paying for my daughter’s school fees and I had no access to money. I felt trapped.”
With heated arguments becoming a daily occurrence, Amanda said she spiralled into a deep depression.
“In October last year, I was so depressed I couldn’t function because I wasn’t sleeping or eating,” she said.
“I get to a stage when I feel life isn’t worth living anymore and have been suicidal many times.
“This time was really bad and I was so close to finishing my degree, but couldn’t, and was also applying for rentals, but because I have no rental history, nobody would give me anything.
“I did attempt to end my life, because of those feelings of worthlessness.
“I was trying to do everything on my own, and because none of that was falling into place, I thought ‘What option do I have?’
“I am ashamed to say I jumped into the car, had a bottle of vodka, sleeping tablets and a knife and I wasn’t going to harm anyone else, but I drove up to the top of the hill and took like five sleeping tablets, drunk some alcohol and my plan was to drive myself off the cliff.
“I don’t know what kicked in, but all of a sudden I thought of my daughter and I quickly drove back home, but because I was so delirious, I left everything in the car.
“He knew I was depressed, but it was like he enjoyed it and, after he saw the stuff, that’s when he was lovely.”
Amanda said for a long time she lost her identity.
“I wasn’t me anymore,” she said.
“Because all my control was taken away, I couldn’t remember the things I liked.
“He and my daughter were fighting so much and he was getting physical with her. Not punching or hitting but grabbing and holding her, and I just couldn’t deal with it.
“The shame that I have is that I didn’t have the strength to stop it, so I actually left the house and was going to jump off the Gawler bridge.
“I was gone for quite a while and they both went looking for me and I thought ‘Oh my god, what am I exposing my daughter to?’
“When I was in that place, I felt dead. There’s no other words for it; dead inside.”
From the lowest of lows, Amanda pulled herself out of the darkness by planning her and Amy’s escape.
“I contacted a local domestic violence service before we left and opened up a separate bank account,” she said.
“I also investigated my rights and had a lot of support from my case workers.
“From July to four weeks ago we lived in emergency crisis accommodation, and I managed to take my dog, Rosie*, with us.
“I think pets keep women from leaving, along with many other reasons, and I want them to know there are shelters that will accept pets now.”
Amanda hoped her story would inspire other women facing similar circumstances to get out.
“Leaving is terrifying, but once you muster up that courage, there’s many services and people to help you,” she said.
“I’m so thankful and feel so privileged we had a safe place to go.
“I know that people may consider physical violence as the worst treatment of women, but I honestly consider psychological trauma to be more evil.
“I forgot who I was and now I describe the day we left as our prison break and our Freedom Day.
“Even though I still have triggers and I’m on many antidepressants, I can breathe again.
“We are free.”
*Names have been changed.
If you or someone you know is suffering domestic violence, help is just a phone call away on the Domestic Violence Crisis Line: 1800 800 098, 1800 Respect: 1800 737 732, or Lifeline: 13 11 14.
In an emergency dial 000.