SARA GILLIGAN

IT took four years of red flags, reoccurring family violence and then a bucket- load of courage for Lydia* to leave her husband.

Lydia’s husband and his violence towards her was mainly financial and emotional, however, following the birth of their two sons, physical violence was sometimes directed at the children.

The former local said the first act of physical violence occurred when one of her sons was just 18 months old.

“We were married quite quickly and had children straight away because I was in my 40s,” Lydia said.

“He also already had two children to a previous marriage.

“On top of the new marriage were the stresses of being pregnant and having children and there was a shift-work component as well.

“Emotional abuse crept in due to all the pressures and gradually increased.

“But the straw that broke the camel’s back for me was having other people in my life who were visiting the house, witnessing the overzealous smacking of my children, and them actually going down the track of reporting it.”

Lydia said her husband failed to control his anger during their marriage.

“When the children did something wrong or had a meltdown, he wasn’t able to regulate his own emotions and so he would overzealously smack them,” she said.

“It was also an inability for him to understand his own strength, because he was reacting in that moment of anger and frustration.

“I was expected to be a stay at home mum 24/7, chained to the sink, and was denied the ability or capacity to actually work.

“I was limited in the financial sense and when I tried to talk about how I was feeling, I was instantly shut down.

“It was always his way or the highway and no taking on board my emotional needs, not to mention the constant put-downs.”

It took years for Lydia to find the strength to come forward and confide in her friends and family.

“I left him about three years ago and I think it took me so long because I started to believe I was the problem,” she said.

“I felt trapped, I felt torn in two and I started losing close friendships because of it.

“I felt trapped financially, but I also loved him and was holding on to the person that I first met, despite the huge change in him.

“I also didn’t know where to start in getting out. But the first step was actually seeking out a counsellor, in an inconspicuous way.

“Then, I had to dig really deep to actually broach the topic with him, but I got the reaction I expected. I was the problem.”

Lydia said when she reached out to her parents about the abuse, her husband began making up stories about her.

“The thing that helped me was that my parents stood by me,” she said.

“I broke down and said, ‘I just can’t live like this anymore’. I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own house.

“I didn’t want my boys growing up seeing that as the right way of how a man should treat a woman in their future relationships.

“I had that embedded in my head and that is what gave me the strength to leave.”

The day that she left, Lydia said her husband physically restrained her before she got herself and two boys away to safety – with next to nothing.

“I tapped into all the services available and was in the fortunate position of having friends and my parents help us,” she said.

“I had the ongoing support of 1800 Respect, my counsellor, the Northern Domestic Violence Service, and tapped into Housing SA which was brilliant and secured us a rental.

“SA Police also helped through its staying safe home program, along the lines of security.”

Looking back, Lydia considers her years following the abuse as a growth opportunity.

“To those women that are staying, you do have to dig really deep to make the decision to get out of the situation you’re in,” she said.

“What I can say is you don’t think it at the time, but you’re better out than in.

“There’s lots of support that’s available and you have to make sure you actually tap into it.

“It’s been a real growth opportunity, as once I got out, I was able to find myself again. I have since had great opportunities present themselves, but I don’t think they would have happened if I  stayed in that relationship.

“I can tell you now that even though it was three years ago, when you actually re-enter into a new relationship, the triggers come up again and it’s almost like an ongoing battle.

“However, you don’t have to be consumed by it. Use it as a growth opportunity and become anything that you want to become.”